Buffy & The Corrupter Ch. 04
“NOTE: This story takes place in an alternate Buffyverse, a few years into the future. Faith has remained with the good guys and is Buffy’s secret girlfriend. Dawn is now at college and Willow and Tara are still together. Spike is still evil and some of Buffy’s past adversaries are not as dead as she thought.”
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“Glory! But tha… that’s not possible. You died when Giles killed Ben!” Buffy’s heart was racing as she tried to believe what she saw.
“Oh, come on. You don’t suppose that darling Ben was the first meat prison I’ve been in, do you? Seriously, puh-lease! I’m immortal, Buffy! One flesh sack dies and I’m cast into the next. That’s the way this grubby little curse works, and let me tell you, I’m getting pretty darn sick of it!”
Faith glanced warily from the blonde in scarlet to Buffy and back again. Whoever this Glory chick was, her looks must be deceiving, because she had never seen Buffy look so scared before. Never.
“Now look what your interferring has reduced me to. Keeping you out of the way while Spock here, completes his ritual,” Glory said, petulantly.
“That’s SPIKE!” the English vampire shouted from the back of the room, “You psycho Bint!”
“What do you care if Spike summons The Corrupter?” Buffy asked, stalling, trying to think what she could do now.
“I don’t. But you know, sweetie, if he does manage to bring Hell to earth, then that just may spice up this dull little town. I’m ever so bored, you know?”
Glory walked further into the room, her hips swaying. Stopping in front of Faith, she looked the brunette up and down. “You’re new.”
Faith hit Glory with a massive right hook. She pressed her advantage and rained blow after blow down upon the golden haired beauty. Glory staggered backwards a couple of paces and then, with one hand, snatched Faith around the throat and lifted her into the air. With a sparkle in her eyes, she looked at Buffy and nodded towards the struggling Slayer. “I like her, she’s sassy.”
With an almost casual flick of her wrist, Glory tossed Faith across the room. Even as she did so, Buffy was springing forward. A jab from her foot struck Glory on the side of her knee, causing her leg to buckle. Before the Hell God could recover, Buffy was launching a deadly combination of kicks and punches. Time after time, she hit Glory with every ounce of strength and skill she possessed. It wasn’t enough. Reeling under the onslaugh, Glory finally managed to snag hold of Buffy’s wrist, and with a yank, pulled the Slayer to her. Pain blasted through Buffy’s skull as Glory head butted her. Stars danced in front of her eyes while she slumped to the floor. As she felt herself slipping into unconsiousness, Buffy could just make out Faith leaping onto Glory’s back and trying to twist her head off.
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Surfacing from the depths of unconsiousness, the pain behind her forehead returned, followed by the sound of chanting. As Buffy gingerly opened her eyes, she saw a stone roof, dancing with shadows. Turning her head, she discovered that she was chained down on one of the two wooden tables in the room. Across from her, she could see Faith manacled to the other. Faith was naked. With a groan, Buffy lifted her head and squinted along her own body to confirm that she had no clothes on either.
Between the two Slayers, Spike was chanting from his book again and making complicated gestures in the air above the small glass figurine on the altar. Glory was lounging across a rather ornate chair, at the back of the room. Standing beside her were four of her minions. Xander couldn’t have put it better when he once said that they looked like “Hobbits with leprosy.” They were dressed in brown sackcloth, tied at the waist with rope. Their hair was stringy and greasy, looking as if it had never even heard of water, let alone felt it. Their faces were a pale, sickly green and covered in sores. One held a bunch of grapes and was busy peeling them for his Goddess.
Slowly, quietly, Buffy tensed her arms and tested the manacles that held her. They felt extremely solid, and she did not think that even with her slayer strength she could snap the chains that held her down. Spike looked at her and sneered.
“Wakey, wakey, Slayer. The show’s about to start and you wouldn’t want to miss it.”
“You’d better enjoy what you do to us, Spike, because as soon as Faith and I get free, your dust.” She had wanted to say something witty and clever, not giving him the satisfaction of knowing how helpless she felt, but nothing would come.
A look of surprise crossed his face. “What I do to you…? Ohhh. You mean the ritual defilement? Sorry, Buffy, but you don’t get to play.”
A mixture of relief and regret surged through her as she turned to look at the unconsious Faith. Spike followed her gaze.
“No, no, Slayer. You see, the thing about Elder demons like Brakkhan is that they’re old, geddit? Old. They were here long before humans. This means that for most of the rituals involving them, human victims won’t do because they simply weren’t around at the time the ritual was created. See?”
Buffy was confussed. She looked back and forth from her girlfriend to the vampire. “S..so your not gonna rape us?”
A leer crossed his face. “Oh, sure. Just not now, pet. You see, the ritual requires the victim to have demon blood. So we had to find a demon to participate.”
Buffy heard a scuffling sound behind her and she twisted her head to look over towards the doorway. Two of Glory’s minions were dragging forward a woman.
“Anya!” Buffy gasped. “No, Spike, leave her alone!” She pleaded.
The demoness was dragged before Spike and released. She rubbed her forearms and gave the two minions a glare that burned with hate.
“Anya! Teleport to Giles! Tell him what is happening and he’ll know what to do. Quick, now!”
Glory laughed. “Yes, why don’t you go fetch the good Mr Giles? I’ve a bone to pick with him.”
Anya sighed sadly and bit her lower lip between her teeth. She gave Buffy a look filled with sorrow and then turned her gaze to the floor by her feet. Spike gave her a companionable slap on the shoulder. “That’s my girl.”
Buffy couldn’t understand it. Had Anya betrayed them? Was she going to help Spike and Glory? A low sound of pain from a darkened corner of the room answered her questions. Xander. He was, like Faith, unconsious. Black and blue swellings on his face showed that he had not been captured easily. “Oh, no,” she whispered to herself as she realised why Anya was obeying these fiends.
“Don’t do it, Ahn. Go to Giles. He’ll help Xander, I promise.”
Without looking up, Anya gave a little shake of her head. “I can’t Buffy. That bitch said that she’d kill him if I don’t do what they want. And she would too!” A sob broke from the girl’s throat. Glory grinned like the Cheshire Cat as she popped a grape into her mouth.
“Righto! Let’s get this party started.” Spike took hold of Anya’s hand and held it over the Altar. With a needle, he pricked the end of one of her fingers. A single drop of blood welled up and he squeezed her flesh until it dripped down to splash on the Altar’s black stone surface. A hiss of steam spat upwards as the blood was sucked into the stone. With a smile of satisfaction, Spike cleared the items off the Altar and patted it’s surface. “Take your clothes off and hop on up, there’s a good dear.”
For a long moment, Anya just stood there staring at the floor. The sound of one of Glory’s minions kicking Xander in the stomach spurred her into action. She quickly fumbled with the belt of her pale blue dress. As it came loose, she drew the two halves of her dress apart and bared her flesh. Visibly swallowing, she raised her head and stared defiantly at Spike. Her dress fell in a puddle at her feet as she shrugged it off her shoulders. She wasn’t wearing any underwear at all, but her nakedness was beautiful to behold. Her breasts were firm and proud in the candle light and her skin was pale and flawless. A flat stomach drew Spikes eyes down to the thatch of her pubic hair that was a small nest of golden curls. Bending her knee, she raised her foot up to her bottom and reached back to unclasp the strap of her shoe. After she had done the same to the other one, she daintily stepped out of them and walked to the Altar.
“OH,” she gasped, as her buttocks touched the stone. It was as cold as ice. She steeled herself and lay back. The altar was only just big enough for her back, and so her head hung over the far side. Spike swaggered around the black stone until he stood by her face. A hand that was so pale it was white, with black painted fingernails, drew down the zipper of his leather pants. “Remember, be good and play nice or the poof gets to have a very unpleasant death.”
As he drew out his flaccid cock, Anya screwed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to do this, but the thought of anything happening to Xander was just too painful for her. She loved that boy way too much. If she didn’t help to summon Brakkhan, Xander would pay, and if she did, then everyone else would. There was only one thing she could do. As she felt the vampire’s cold flesh press against her mouth, she parted her lips and took him inside. Spike gave a sigh of pleasure as he felt himself sink into the warmth. Immediately that he felt her tongue rasp against the underside of his shaft, he began to harden. Raising her head slightly, Anya took his cock further into her mouth. She could feel it lengthening and thickening as it pushed deeper. With disgust, she drew her head back and felt his cock slide back across her tongue, until only the head remained in her mouth. Her lips tightened into a firm ring around his prick and then began to slide down his stalk, sending shivers of delight through his undead body.
“Ahhh, yeah,” he moaned to himself. His cockflesh was now rigid as it slipped back and forth into her sucking mouth. He watched as the thousand year old demon pumped her lips around his cock. Her blonde hair swayed as it hung down over the altar’s edge. He reached out and cupped the back of her head, urging her to take him deeper into her mouth. It felt sooo good. Saliva coated his shaft and her lips as she struggled to swallow him. As his cock slid out of her mouth, she coiled her tongue around it’s sides and slid it around the rim of his glans. A gasp escaped from him as she worked his prick with skill. She wanted to finish this as quickly as she could. He knew this also, and wasn’t about to let her. With small thrusts of his hips, he fucked his cock into her face. Wet gurgles rose from her as he felt himself slip into the tightness of her throat. It felt like bliss to him. Every little movement she gave sent ripples running along the muscles of her throat and squeezed his cock with fairy hands.
“Ohh! Fuck yeah!” he cried as he twisted his fingers in her hair. Faster and faster he thrust into her mouth, his head turned upwards and his eyes rolled back. She lifted her hand and took hold of his slick shaft, popping it from her mouth. Protests died on his lips as she began to flick her tongue along the underside of his glans. With featherlike tickles, she licked the sensetive skin there. Shudders swept through him as he fought to control his cum. It boiled in his balls, a slave to the pleasures of her tongue and then, as she traced along the curved flesh of his cockhead and dipped into the tiny slit at the end, it shot forth. His cock gave a great jerk and bucked wildly as a stream of cum fountained out over her lips. Another jet shot out and streaked along the side of her face to splash across her ear.
“Noooo!” he cried, realising that she was trying to foul the ritual. His cum had to go inside her. As a third bolt streaked out to splash across her tits, he lunged down her body and thrust himself violently into her cunt. Stream after stream of molten spunk splashed into her depths. With a groan of relief, he collapsed on top of her and shivered at just how close she had been to ruining the ritual. As his prick softened and slipped out of her, he pressed his lips together in a tight line and stood back, zipping himself up.
“Nice try, bitch, but it didn’t work. I should have guessed that someone as old as you would know about the precise requirements of this spell.”
Anya raised herself up on one elbow as she wrinkled her nose and wiped his cum from her face. “Yes, I know. I also know what else is in store for me.”
Spike cocked his head slightly to one side. “Yeah?” He was surprised to find that he envied Harris, if she loved him enough to knowingly submit to the rest. With a shrug, he perched on the table beside Buffy. The Slayer was looking at him with a fury in her eyes that promised a painful staking.
Glory looked around at her minions. She pointed at first one and then another. “You and you, Jinx. Make me proud.”
The two minions clasped their hands together in joy and bowed rapidly to her. “Oh, thank you, your most heavenly scented Glorificus! It is an honour to serve such a beautiful one as you.” She paused as she reached for another grape, looking at the pair. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get on with it, okay?”
As one, they turned and hurried over to the altar. Taking up positions at either side of Anya’s head, they fumbled open their robes. “Uck.” Anya blanched at the smell and sight of their scabby flesh. Jinx pulled aside his tattered loincloth and held out his small green penis. Knowing she had no choice, Anya began to suck him. “Ooo, what’s it like, Jinx?” asked Lug as he furiously wanked his little prick.
“Wonderful!” the other minion sighed. Never before had her gracious Glory allowed him such a reward. The demoness used her mouth on him and he knew just what it was that had enraptured the vampire so. Her lips slid along his foul skin and her tongue licked at the head of his prick. In only seconds, he had swollen to his full six inches. With joy, he grabbed her by the throat and squeezed slightly as he pumped into her mouth. Anya made a little gagging sound, but kept up her sucking.
“Ooo, Ooo, let me try, let me try!” Lug pleaded as he danced from foot to foot, impatiently.
With a sigh of pleasure, Jinx pulled his stiff rod out of her lips and moved down the altar. Immediately, Lug grasped her hair and twisted her face towards him. He pushed his cock against her cheek, where it left a slimy trail of pre-cum. Anya didn’t take his shaft into her mouth, but instead, fastened her lips around one side of it and sucked hard. Delight filled Lug and he began to slide his cock back and forth across her lips. Jinx stepped to the bottom of the altar and lifted Anya’s legs by her ankles. Pushing them up high, he brought her pussy up level with his cock and nudged it against her slit. The flesh there was slick with Spike’s cum and he slid his cockhead back and forth across her clit. The feel of her labia, rubbing against the sides of his glans, sent shivers through the henchman. He pushed her ankles together, so that he could hold them with one hand, then thrust the fingers of his other into her cunthole. Inside, she was warm and the flesh so very soft. He tickled the inner walls of her pussy and then began to pump his fingers in and out with a corkscrew motion.
Lug was using his hand to press his cock firmly against Anya’s lips. He felt her push the tip of her tongue out to tease him. With a groan of lust, he turned her face further towards him and shoved his prick between her lips. Like a clamp, she closed her mouth around him and sucked deep. “Oh, Oh, Ohhhh!” he shrieked, as she feasted on his meat.
Jinx withdrew his fingers and quickly fed his cock into her. He marvelled at the tightness and welcoming warmth of her cunt. Like a satin vice, she squeezed his prick and he melted. All the feeling in his body seemed centered on those few inches that were buried in her heavenly depths. With heightened sensations, he could feel the delicious friction as her pussy walls slithered back and forth around his stiff rod. Juices leaked from him like a tap as he thrust in and out of her. The pleasure claimed him and he came, pumping thick, ropey strands into her slick canal.
Lug was scared that he wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer, when he saw Jinx stiffen and groan. Like a madman, he snatched his cock out of that wonderful mouth and hurried down to Jinx. With a shove, he pushed the spent minion aside and thrust his pecker into Anya. Hysterically, he thrust back and forth at a blinding speed, squealing and crying. After an all-too-brief moment, he slammed himself as deep into her as he could and shot a blast of cum into her creamy cavern. With quick jerks of his hips, he pulsed another two waves of his spunk into her, before he pulled out and let the last of it dribble out to pool in her pussy hair.
Spike lent over and cracked him hard across the back of the head.
“Ouch! What was that for?”
“Your supposed to be spunking inside of her pea-wit!”
“You didn’t!”
With a blur, Spike’s face changed as the vampire showed itself. Yellow, sunken eyes and a bestial brow appeared on his face as he bared his fangs with a hiss.
Lug tottered backwards away from him and hurried over to the safety of his mistress.
Buffy looked at Anya, lying on the altar. She felt filled with shame and sorrow that she could not prevent what had happened to her friend. As if she could feel Buffy’s eyes upon her, Anya rolled her head to the side and looked back at her.
“Oh, Anya, I’m so sorry. They will pay for putting you though that, I swear. They’ll pay for everything that we’ve had to go through tonight!”
Anya blinked tears away from her eyes. “It’s not over, yet,” she said quietly.
For a moment, all Buffy could think of was, who else is there? Then she heard chains rattle as they were loosened and horror filled her. “NO!” she cried, yanking with all her strength at the manacles that held her. “NO!” She flailed about with all her might, but it was useless. Spike let his face flow back to normal and patted Buffy’s inner thigh. “Relax, pet. It’s not everyday you get to see this.”
Over in the dark corner of the room, a couple of Glory’s minions were freeing the werewolf from it’s bonds. As the final chain slipped from it’s collar, it lashed out. A claw the size of a dinner plate sliced into the nearest hapless minion. He died before the scream had left his lips. With a hunching bound, the great beast leapt towards the rest of Glory’s henchmen. Lug fell backwards as the creature pounced upon him. It’s jaws snapped down to tear into his throat. Just before they closed on his flesh, a small hand grabbed it’s snout and yanked it’s head back. With impossible ease, Glory lifted the giant beast away from her toady and then released it. Standing before it, looking tiny compared to it’s bulk, she placed one hand on her hip and wagged a finger in it’s face.
“Hey, Fido. Heel. You wouldn’t want to make me lose my temper with you now, would you? Now, be a good beast and pork the slut on the stone, would ya?”
The werewolf’s yellow eyes narrowed and it snarled. Slobber drooled from it’s huge fangs and it’s claws flexed before her. Anybody who didn’t know who Glory was would be certain that the beast would tear her to pieces. But everybody in the room did know who Glory was. Including the werewolf. It was very rare for the man hidden beneath the beast to be able to exert his will upon the savage creature, but it was not impossible, if the need was great enough. The instinct to survive could be a primal thing and now it came home to roost. It sniffed the air and turned it’s large head towards Anya. The decision made, it stalked toward the prone girl.
Glory turned and looked at the minion who had been disembowelled. “Ugghhh. What a mess. Take him away and get him fixed, then give him a mop and bucket.” Several henchmen rushed to pick up their unfortunate companion.
SANDY: Why, I want to be on you like bark on a tree!
PEARL: Come here, squirrelly-girlie [grabs Sandy, pulls her on top, kissing her lips passionately. Pearl pulls top up so Sandy can lie between her massive boobs.]
SANDY [kissing Pearl"s hardening nipples]: Gosh, you”re a big “un with your clothes off, Pearl. And a good one. How does that feel?
PEARL: Better than eating a double order of Skabby Patties with a side of onion rings.
SANDY: Come to think of it, the eating part is going to come along real soon.
PEARL: You”re making me hungry. [Sits up abruptly] Sandy, why don”t you get out of that darned space suit? I wanna see what a fellow sappho looks like.
SANDY: Heck, you take it off me!
[Pearl stands Sandy up, unzips space suit, pulls it off Pearl. She"s nude underneath, with a petite figure, perky breasts, a firm little ass, all covered in light brown pelt. Pearl is in lust]
PEARL: Wow, you”ve got a great body. You”re so fuzzy and I”m so smooth [pulls Sandy to her, tongue-kisses her]
SANDY: Yep, we go together like salt and a margarita. Hey, you”re an awfully good kisser.
PEARL: I learned something from all those Erica Jong novels.
SANDY: Now you can learn at Sandy”s School of Super Sea Sex. Hi, I”m Sandy, I”ll be your teacher today.
PEARL [purring]: Hi, I”ll be your student. Some students polish apples, but I like to polish asses.
SANDY [wicked gleam in eyes]: Aren”t you the sweet talker. Time for some oral instruction! You just lay yourself back on the couch and let my tongue do the talkin” for a while.
[Pearl reclines on couch, plays with breasts while Sandy removes her skirt and panties. Sandy rubs her cheek against Pearl"s smooth cunt, moves hands lightly over her thighs, kisses her clit]
SANDY: Pearl, you are one big-boned gal. I like that [fills her mouth by sucking in Pearl"s clit].
PEARL [running hands over Sandy"s hairy back]: And you”re so little. You fit just right between my legs. And between my pussy lips.
SANDY: Shoot, we squirrels are DESIGNED to wiggle around in tight places, and honey, you got one tight place down here.
PEARL [puts hand down, feels how wet she"s getting]: I”ll be your slip “n slide.
SANDY: Get those knees a little wider and I”ll slide right in [slips tongue deep into Pearl"s pussy, feels its warmth and wetness, tastes its salty tang, puts hands under Pearl"s ass]. I think you”re going to be teacher”s pet.
[Sandy keeps licking Pearl until she"s rocking back and forth on couch, licking lips, bouncing so hard Sandy is airborne.]
PEARL: If this is the Sappho experience, I”m glad I waited! Your tongue feels fantastic! Oh, oh, oh, I can”t hold back any more, Sandy.
SANDY [coming up for air]: Who told you to hold back? Let it rip, girl.
[Pearl comes with a shout, snapping knees around Sandy. They bounce off Sandy"s couch on to the floor. Pearl squeezes her breasts together, pushes Sandy"s face hard against her cunt. Finally Sandy raises her head, her hair matted down from the cunt juices. She licks her lips, then kisses Pearl"s lips]
SANDY: You taste better”n barbeque on the Fourth of July. Right tasty kooch you got there.
PEARL: Getting a good squirrel licking is a lot better than toys.
SANDY: One don”t exclude the other.
PEARL: Now let”s see if I can ace my orals! [Lifts Sandy, drapes Sandy"s legs around her shoulders, begins daintily licking Sandy"s pussy with her big pink tongue]
SANDY [sighing]: I”m going to promote you to a graduate assistant.
[fade-out with Pearl"s tongue darting in and out of Sandy. Moans, sighs, panting on soundtrack]
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SCENE 8
[Setting: Return to Krusty Skab offices. SpongeDick puts his finger on a page of the "Daily Tongue Bath."]
SPONGEDICK: Hey, check out this ad. It”s from the Discovery Channel It says, “World famous journalist Geraldo Rivera is looking for segments for his new show, “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids.” If you are wild, wet, and willing, Geraldo wants to hear from you. Remember our slogan: Get paid to get laid.” Hey, Mr. Skabs, maybe Pearl just needs an audience.
MR. SKABS [excited]: SpongeDick, what was the last thing you said, get what to get what?
SPONGEDICK: “Get paid to get laid.”
MR. SKABS: Quick, boy, my phone! [dollar signs appear in eyes as Mr. Skabs rapidly punches numbers. Cue ka-ching, ka-ching sound] I know Pearl will agree with this . . . Hello, Mr. Rivera please. Yes, hello Geraldo, how”s it hanging? This is Mr. Skabs down at Bikini Bottom. I”ve got a great location for your show, “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids.” My daughter Pearl is eager to lose her virginity, and I think she”s lined up a way to turn the trick, so to speak. And you can use my restaurant, the Krusty Skab, for your set. Sounds intriguing? Good, good, now let”s talk turkey . . . .
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SCENE 9
[Setting: the Krusty Skab restaurant, surrounded by video vans, lights, throngs of fish trying to get in. Interior jammed with tables and film crews. Gigantic bed in center of stage. Famous Journalist stands in safari jacket on the side, speaking to camera]
GERALDO: Good evening, and welcome to “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids,” here on the Discovery Channel. Every week, we bring you the best in wacky, watery wildness. We never know what we”ll find, here under the deep blue sea. Tonight we”re broadcasting live from beautiful Bikini Bottom, at the Krusty Skab restaurant, world famous for its Skabby Patties and other fine foods. I”m here because we had a call from the proprietor, Mr. Skabs, alerting me to some pretty freaky possibilities. I”m standing with Mr. Skabs, who”s going to tell us about.
MR. SKABS [in tacky tuxedo, positioned so store sign is in background]: That”s right Geraldo. For some time my beautiful daughter Pearl has been angling to lose her virginity. My staff here at the Krusty Skab has been coming up with ideas for her.
GERALDO: I take it the local pickings are mighty slim.
MR. SKABS: Alas, yes. All the big boys wind up on this [pull down huge fish hook]. One wrong move and it”s off to the fillet factory. The well-hung ones are usually the dumb ones.
GERALDO: Not always true, as I can personally testify [turns to camera, flashes dazzling smile].
MR. SKABS: So, our young folks here in Bikini Bottom need to get creative when it comes to satisfying their carnal desires.
GERALDO: Which brings us to the Krusty Skab. I must say, in my long and illustrious career, I”ve covered many a strange story, from the death of Elvis to Al Capone”s hidden room to O.J. Simpson to my hand-to-hand combat against the Taliban in Tora Bora. But this is the wildest yet. Let”s talk to some of the other people involved in this special live edition of “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids.” Let”s meet Pearl Skabs, the star of the show [audience claps, cheers]. Pearl, what”s up tonight?
PEARL [wearing slinky maroon teddy with matching panties, cleavage bursting from top, hair and make-up freshly done] Well, Geraldo, I”ve thought long and hard about how to lose my virginity. I want it to be special. I”ve got my friends here to help. I find the idea of having sex in front of a national TV audience very erotic.
GERALDO: Let me say, right now on live television, I wouldn”t mind becoming a friend of yours, at least for tonight. You look adorable, and I”m a man who knows adorable.
PEARL: You”re so sweet.
GERALDO: Mind if I check your state of preparation?
PEARL: As a matter of fact, I do mind.
GERALDO: That sounded like a “yes” to me. [Tries to stick hand down Pearl"s panties. Pearl jumps back, gives him a tremendous slap.]
PEARL: Impudent scumbag! I didn”t give you permission to touch my twat! How dare you! What part of “no” don”t you understand? [Pearl walks off]
GERALDO [rubbing his sore, bruised cheek]: Oh, well. That gimmick worked when I tried it with Barbara Walters. When you cover the big stories, sometimes there”s danger involved. Putting your life on the line goes with the territory of major-league journalism, Geraldo-style. Next, I”d like to introduce one of Pearl”s special friends, Mr. SpongeDick SquarePants [Patrick carries out frozen SpongeDick, wearing tighty whity underwear with enormous bulge in front. Gary follows behind].
SPONGEDICK: H-h-h-h-e-l-l-o, Geral-d-d-d-d-o.
GERALDO: SpongeDick, my man, ready to lay some pipe tonight? I hear you”ve got a special sex technique guaranteed to drive Pearl wild.
SPONGEDICK: That”s the p-p-p-lan.
GERALDO: Now this is your friend Patrick?
PATRICK: That”s right. SpongeDick”s my bestest buddy. And I”m his fluffer.
GERALDO: While a worldly individual such as myself knows what that means, tell our audience, please, what a fluffer does.
PATRICK: Sure. I put SpongeDick in the freezer. When he”s good and hard, I take him out and thaw him until he”s not too hot, not too cold.
GERALDO: In technical terms, you thaw him until he”s “just right”?
PATRICK: That”s right. Here”s how I do it. [pulls SpongeDick"s cock out of his underwear slips it under his armpit]. Yeah, OK, feelin” good there, SpongeDick. Wanna help out, Geraldo?
GERALDO [aghast]: I”ll hold off, champ, I don”t want to knock your rhythm off. [thinks to himself: Bill O"Reilly does that to me all the time, anyway] Speaking of rhythm, I”m told our next guest is a great rhythm “n blues musician, Squidward. Let”s have a hand for Mr. Squidward! [audience claps, cheers, as Squidward comes on camera in Blues Brothers regalia, wearing dark sunglasses and porkpie hat, carrying his clarinet].
SQUIDWARD [beaming]: You”re too kind, thank you, thank you all.
GERALDO: You”re laying down some heavy grooves here in the love shack, I do believe.
SQUIDWARD: Yes, I”m Mr. Soundtrack. I”ve got some very soulful Kenny G. style tunes on the playlist. Watch out, Barry White!
GERALDO: Guaranteed to make the panties moist and the cocks crow. All right [shoves Squidward off camera]. Finally, we”ve got Pearl”s own aide-de-cramp – little joke, don”t get offended girls – Sandy Labia. Let”s have a round of applause for Sandy.
[Sandy walks on camera, waving, wearing a cowboy hat on her underwater helmet]
SANDY: Howdy Geraldo, ready to party tonight?
GERALDO: Locked and loaded. But we”re here to talk about you guys, not me, at least for a while. What”s your role tonight?
SANDY: Why, Geraldo, a southern lady like me doesn”t kiss and tell before she”s even done with the kissin”. Let”s just say my role is to rock “n roll with Pearl.
GERALDO: Pearl and the Squirrel, ready to make midnight magic here in bewitching Bikini Bottom. And Geraldo is here, on top of the story, and, if things work out right, on top of Pearl. Let”s settle in and enjoy whatever develops here on “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids,” on the Discovery Channel!
[Lights dim, Squidward stands at side of bed and begins to tootle ghastly easy-listening music. Mr. Skabs goes to office to count money. Audience begins to chant]
AUDIENCE: We want Pearl, we want Pearl!
[Pearl enters from stage left in slinky maroon and white nightie, already turned on. Lies on bed, propped up on pillows]
PEARL: I”m so happy you”re all here to share this special moment with me. How do I look?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Like a fox! [general laughter]
PEARL: That music is very relaxing. And it”s getting me turned on, too.
[Patrick carries out SpongeDick, frozen solid. Cock is long and yellow, sticking out from underwear. Patrick bends SpongeDick so he"s sitting on bed, then puts armpit around cock]
PATRICK: Fluffing is lots of fun. It”s helped me get in touch with my erogenous zones.
PEARL [watching SpongeDick begin to thaw and move]: You know, Patrick, watching you work on SpongeDick is getting me horny. I never knew armpit fucking could be so hot. [runs hands down sides of nightie, tickles inside of thighs]
PATRICK: I”ll do anything for my buddies. Like they say, what goes around comes around. And when SpongeDick comes, watch out, world! How you doing there, pal?
SPONGEDICK [flexing arms and legs, feeling cock pulsing]: Great fluffing, Patrick. I”m getting that tingling feeling all over. How hard am I?
PATRICK: Somewhere between a baseball bat and a section of rebar. How”s the rest checking out?
SPONGEDICK: Time to slip into teenage underwater freakazoid mode [stands up, stretches, walks over to Pearl]. Hi, Pearlie girlie, you”re looking nice tonight.
PEARL [daubing perfume on nipples]: This is fun. You and me and the gang and 100 million in TV land.
PATRICK: Let”s give “em a show they”ll remember, right Geraldo?
GERALDO: You know what to do, guys. Get it up, get it on, get it in, get it off, and get it out. It looks like you”re ready to move past the first stage.
PEARL: I”ll be the judge of what happens when. Come here, SpongeStud.
[SpongeDick leans over Pearl, kisses her lips. He unties bow at top of her nightie. It falls open, letting her breasts spring into the open. Audience oohs and aahs. He smells the perfume she daubed on her now-throbbing nipples. Drips from his melting body fall on Pearl"s boobs, making them shiny and moist. Pearl slips fingers into front of SpongeDick"s underwear, finding his cock. She plays with him through the fabric. He reaches out and encircles her nipples with his fingers]
PEARL: What have I found in your pants? I believe I”ve discovered a new species of sponge, the SpongeRod. I didn”t know something frozen could feel so warm.
SPONGEDICK: The magic of imagination. You smell so good, Pearl, and there”s so much to smell [puts head between her heaving breasts, inhales]. Better than a stovetop of Skabby Patties.
PEARL: You”re getting the Skabby daughter special. Hey, look at this [pulls yellow cock out of underwear]. You”re so massive. All that fluffing made you a champion. Are you a sea creature, or a horse?
SPONGEDICK: a seahorse, ready for a ride!
PEARL: You need to run free and wild, honey [pulls underwear down; SpongeDick steps out, lies down beside her]. Rub that big yellow hammer against me.
[SpongeDick lies beside Pearl. They start kissing. She keeps her nightie top on. They wrap their arms around each other. SpongeDick runs his hands over her back through the silky material. Pearl sticks her tongue in SpongeDick"s ear]
SPONGEDICK: Golly, Pearl, your tongue is giving me goosebumps. How”d you learn about that?
PEARL: Natural talent. Now put your talent to work [Pearl rolls over so they are spooning. SpongeDick pulls nightie up, nibbles on her shoulder, rubs hands on her ass]. Oh, Spongie, you”re the fry cook of my dreams. Rub your love spatula on my hot oily girl griddles!
GERALDO: Ladies and gentlemen, this is shaping up to be an incredible TV event. Look to Geraldo for unique TV. Objectivity be damned, I”m not ashamed to say I find this a terrific turn-on. Cameraman, pull back, will you [camera pulls back, shows Geraldo with giant bulge in pant]. Look at that folks, real arousal, real manmeat, still the master woodsman after all these years. But is SpongeDick a serious challenger to the love throne? Let”s take a look.
[SpongeDick slips his hands into Pearl"s panties, caressing her ass. He"s steaming a bit as he thaws. Camera pulls up close to him pulling down her panties and spreading her asscheeks. Pearl closes eyes, reaches back to give SpongeDick a squeeze. He"s getting slightly squishy.]
GERALDO: Pearl”s certainly enjoying herself, and SpongeDick”s still priming the pump. Ho-ho, what have we here?
[Camera pans to side of bed, where Sandy is stripping off her space suit. The inside of her helmet is steamy from her panting. Pearl, with SpongeDick still behind her, reaches out and pulls Sandy to her]
PEARL: Oh, Sandy, come join us. I wanna taste of that tight little squirrel twat of yours [wraps arms around Sandy"s shoulders, begins licking Sandy"s hard brown nipples with her big pink tongue. Sandy wraps arms around Pearl"s head, throws a leg over her torso. SpongeDick sees Sandy joining, becomes even more excited]
SANDY: Yee-haw, ride “em, cowgirl. This is more fun than the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo! [holds breast, guides it into Pearl"s mouth]. They big enough for you, Pearl honey?
PEARL [smacking lips, rolling tongue around nipple]: Right size, right girl, right taste. I”m just getting warmed up.
SPONGEDICK: Well I”m getting warmed up plenty. I”m going to hit the perfect balance before long.
PEARL [panting with excitement]: I”m feeling awfully on the edge right now. Let”s all rotate!
SPONGEDICK: As in, sit on it and rotate? [all three laugh, along with audience]
PEARL: That”s the right idea, SpongeStud. [Pearl rolls over on back, whips off panties, spreads legs. Nightie falls open, her shining breasts point skyward. She picks up Sandy and holds her above her face, so Sandy"s cunt juices dribble down on her] OK, SpongeDick, I”m ready for you to stick your eggbeater into me and give me the fucking I need. Ready for some tongue gymnastics, Sandy?
SANDY: Any more ready and you”d have to sew my pelt back on me.
GERALDO: Mr. Squidward, strike up the band! Play that funky music, invertebrate boy.
[Squidward and Patrick wander over. Squidward switches from Kenny G. tunes to Donna Summer"s "Love to Love You, Baby" with Patrick on vocals]
GERALDO: Go, SpongeDick, go.
[SpongeDick positions cock in front of Pearl"s spread cunt lips glowing with arousal. He inhales to get her cunt scent, making his yellow cock bigger than ever]
SPONGEDICK: Hold on, Pearl, I”m going in [slips cock into Pearl]
PEARL: I”m getting so wet I can”t stand it. Finally, finally, it feels sooooooo nice in me at least. Fuck me good, Spongie.
SANDY: Don”t ferget me, Pearl [lowers cunt to Pearl"s face]
PEARL: Never ever, Sandy Labia. Let me prove it [Pearl"s long tongue licks Sandy"s petite cunt from her clit back to her ass and back, then glides between her pussy lips]
SANDY: Sweet mother of pearl that feels fine.
[Camera pulls back to show SpongeDick pounding Pearl steadily. He supports himself on his arms to he can look down and see his cock pistoning in and out of her. Sandy cups her breasts and throws her head back as Pearl holds Sandy over her face and licks her pussy devilishly. Sandy"s little legs are wrapped around Pearl"s strong arms, which hold Sandy at the hips. All three are moaning and squirming. Squidward and Patrick play and sing, urging them on. At edge of camera, Geraldo has hand in pants, playing with himself]
GERALDO: A television first . . . freakazoid TV at its finest . . . ratings through the roof . . . Eat this Bill O”Reilly . . . Losing all sense of journalistic objectivity . . . where”s Connie Chung when I need her?
PEARL: I”m getting tingly all over.
SANDY: Me, too.
SPONGEDICK: I feel a tidal wave starting around me toes. I think that means . . .
PEARL: Harder, SpongeDick, I think the dough”s starting to rise in my oven.
SANDY: Keep that tongue a”going.
[SpongeDick pounds in and out, arches his yellow back. Pearl"s hips begin to twitch and her nipples poke out even more. Pearl drills her tongue in and out of Sandy, who waves her arms in the air like a windmill]
SPONGEDICK: Uh-oh, hold on tight, Pearl.
PEARL: Oh, oh, oh.
SANDY: Yee-haw, it”s Juneteen in my britches!
[All three are on the verge of exploding. Bed bounces furiously. Squidward jumps from tentacle to tentacle, playing wildly. Patrick sings "love to love you" like a banshee]
SANDY: What”s that smell?
SPONGEDICK: That smelly smell?
SANDY: Yeah, that smelly smell that . . .
SPONGEDICK: Smells smelly?
SPONGEDICK AND SANDY [together]: Pearl”s coming!!
[Sandy comes first, gushing over Pearl"s nose and cheeks; SpongeDick squirts into Pearl; the more he comes the closer he shrinks back to his normal size. Pearl comes with a shriek, with buckets of cunt juices blasting out of her on to the floor, knocking Geraldo off his feet. Gary jumps out of the way of the flood. Pearl rocks back and forth, pressing SpongeDick onto her cunt so he"s practically flat. Audience cheers as all three flail and moan in orgasmic delight. Finally, all three collapse in a panting heap. Juice dribbles out of Pearl, as Geraldo crawls on hands and knees to edge of bed to rub face in it. Camera pulls back to show Geraldo crawling up to Pearl, pants around ankles, rubbing his cock]
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